Relationship: Get over your fears

Fear is a feeling that often ruins our lives. Whether it is fear of commitment, rejection, failure, death or any other phobia, it tends to keep us from living our lives to the fullest. Fear can be handled rationally and can be controlled if you are willing to work on it and are motivated enough in controlling it, instead of it controlling you.

Many arguments between couples have fear at the heart. Whether it’s fear of abandonment, fear of being rejected, or a fear of falling apart. By managing your fears, you can begin to calm the storm that has begun in your relationship and heal the wounds.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledging what the fear really is.  It could be fear of falling apart, fear of rejection, fear of not being understood, fear of being judged, fear of being alone, fear of loss, fear of change, fear of aging, fear of being overwhelmed, fear of your needs being ignored, fear of boredom, fear of lack of control, fear of failure, and fear of helplessness.

Once you are fully aware of what your fear is, work on figuring out where it comes from. Most of the time, people are aware of their fears, but never really gets to know them. Set up a time when you can sit down and have an interview with your fear. What is your fear and where does it come from, and why do you fear it? Are you scared of your finances spiraling out of control? When you are angry because your spouse comes home late, are you afraid that you’re growing apart or that there is infidelity? These are questions that must be provided with answers in order to better understand your fear, so that you can start brainstorming about methods that will work best for you.  Name the real fear in your relationship so that you don’t get caught up in a fight that won’t really resolve the actual issue at hand.

Now that you know what you are afraid of, share your fears with your partner.  You need to let your spouse in on the fear so he or she can recognize when it creeps up and understand where you’re coming from. For example, say “I’m afraid that you’re spending more time with your friends than you do with me, and we’re growing apart,” instead of “Why don’t you always have my time?” say “I am feeling afraid of a loss of control of our finances” instead of “You always have to be the boss with our money”. When you put your partner in a position to be defensive, they may not react in a supportive way to your fears.

Finally, keep your fear within boundaries. Don’t let a fear about being abandoned turn into you jealously searching through your partner’s phone and demanding to know where he is all the time. Also keep in mind that any discussions about the fear should be kept to a healthy time limit. If one partner gets burned out on the topic, decide a future time where you will finish the conversation. Instead of letting your fear grow and spiral, set practical guidelines for how you will handle your fears as a couple. Look back at all the experiences that helped build this fear. Decide which behavior will replace the ones currently guided by your fears. No one is the same and no relationship is perfect. Admitting to this fact will help you understand that running away is not the answer, but what you really need to do is face and accept the imperfection in your relationships and work on ways to better the challenging situations.